Gradually, the urge to resume working life has been growing in me. I want to be part of the great, bustling, economic machinery out there… but… I also don’t want to give up the relatively relaxed, stress-free, home-centric life that I have right now. I’ve only just started exercising, and I’ve only just resumed playing my violin after a break of a few years – I don’t want to give those up. Plus, I want to resume my Archaeology course and I’d even like to get back some of my German language knowledge which I had acquired with so much hard work over so many weekends. And I haven’t finished with my website yet, though I’ve been neglecting it of late…

Obviously, if I go back to work, I can’t do any of these things. The job itself, the kids, and some bare minimum activities required to keep the household running, will probably take up all of my time, and in any case, all of my energy.

Working from home doesn’t solve the problem – a significant part of what I miss about working life involves the workplace, colleagues, even the commute, cafeteria lunches – the whole nine yards of office space.

But working outside the home creates many more problems than it solves. We don’t want to leave the kids all day with a baby-sitter. We don’t even know of a baby-sitter who’s both entirely reliable and available. Plus, I don’t want my kids turning away from me and wailing for the baby-sitter when they’re unwell or hurt or otherwise distressed. And once the kids start going to school, who is going to handle the dropping and picking up? We can’t leave that to a baby-sitter. What about full-time playschool-cum-daycare, then? It is expensive, but is it good for them? Will they be happy there, or traumatized? Is it ok to leave them away from home all day, and if that’s what we’re going to do, then why did we even have kids?

A “hybrid” solution seems like a good idea – where I go to work in the mornings, then pick up the kids, come home, and either work from home, or have a part-time job which gives me time to manage the kids, run the household, and maybe even work in some “me” time. But where, oh where, will I get this hybrid dream job?

And when? It’s not as though I want to go back to work right away, but some time early next year seems like an appealing prospect. The kids still won’t be in school by then, though, so I probably won’t be able to start working till next July or so, once they’re hopefully settled into school. That seems like a long way away. And I feel so confused.

3 Responses to Indecision

  1. Siri says:

    I know what you mean.

  2. Lubi :) says:

    Also, when you stay at home, you can focus more on ingraining discipline, organization, manners ‘n etiquettes in your children.
    I’m not saying that mothers who work outside are not able to give all that to their kids.
    What I’m saying is, they are not able to give enough of it.
    Good luck hun! Motherhood is a struggle anyways!

  3. 101dreams says:

    Hope the hydrid dream job solution does come your way soon… The quick and complete move you made from working to stay-at-home mum would be disorienting for most.

    You may of course continue being a full-time mum and not go back to working… but I understand about missing the “work” atmosphere.

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